ARCADIAN GLEE
by SANDEFUR
Summary: A crossover between Glee and Joan of Arcadia.
1. Chapter 1

ARCADIAN GLEE

by

SANDEFUR

Disclaimer: This is fanfiction just for fun. I have no claims.

(Background: Joan of Arcadia was a show on a few years ago about a teenage girl named Joan Girardi who saw and spoke to God in various 'human' forms. God would give her assignments that were often difficult to understand, but Joan would obey and by the end of the episode you saw the 'good ripples' that came from her efforts. I have maintained the same timeline, so Joan is now 22. For the purpose of this crossover, I have set the story during season one of GLEE, just as McKinley High's Christmas vacation has begun. Also, in the second season of Glee, the glee club sang "What If God Was One Of Us" - the theme song of Joan of Arcadia.)

12-19-09/Saturday morning.

"Sorry for the bumpiness folks. Another air pocket. Nothing to worry about."

"I'm fine Jerry," Sue Sylvester says, "but I think Will is about to pee his panties."

Will Schuester grimaces as he tries to keep down his breakfast. What was he thinking, sharing a small plane with Sue in a flight over the mountains? (As if December hasn't been hard enough already after finding out Terri was faking her pregnancy, the drama of Sectionals, his impending divorce, and then there were his feelings for Emma…) The Cessna 150, a four seat plane with a single engine, takes another sudden dip, tossing Will against Sue.

"Easy there glee boy, I'm not in the mood."

"Sorry Sue. I'm beginning to wonder if this trip was such a good idea."

"You were plenty eager for this charter when you heard how much money you were going to save over a commercial flight."

"I would have driven to Maryland if there hadn't been an ice storm in the mountains. I could have made it there in plenty of time."

"Woulda – coulda – shoulda. You beat everything, Will. Good luck drops into your lap and you whine over the details. Be grateful we have the same destination and can share expenses."

"About that Sue, I still find it hard to believe you're entering the same singing competition that I am."

"I'm the alternate my old college picked for the Eastern Alumnus Sing Off. What's so hard to believe?"

"Because this is the fifth time my alma mater has picked me to represent them, and I know how fierce the competition can be. My previous four tries, I didn't even make the finals. Sue, I've heard you sing. You're okay, but you are out of your league in this."

"Out of my league? No such thing. You're forgetting Will, I'm a champion."

"As a cheerleading coach."

"At everything. You think this is just about raw talent, but it's more than that. It's also about having a winning attitude, strategy, innovation and poise under pressure. The same gifts I use to win national championships. That's my edge."

"Are you really so ego-centric you think you can beat some of the best singers in the country?"

"I don't think it, I know it. Running that pitiful, all-inclusive glee club of yours has distorted your view of life. When people meet me, they know I'm a winner – they expect it and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. With me, they smell a champion. With you Will, all they smell is a four time loser wearing a quart of generic hair product."

Will shakes his head in disbelief. "You're delusional. I bet you'll finish dead last."

"Bet? How much?"

"Uh, that was just a figure of speech. I didn't mean…"

"Bawk, bawk bawk – chicken! You talk the talk…"

"Okay, what's the bet?"

"Whoever finishes lower in the competition pays all of the expenses for this trip."

"Deal."

Will holds out his hand and Sue shakes it hard enough to make him wince. She chuckles…

"Sucker."

X X X X X

Arcadia college, a small liberal arts school, is regionally famous for its' superbly landscaped campus and classically designed buildings. Sue Sylvester is not impressed…

"Bad enough we're in this butt crack of a town, but now we've found the pimple that grows in that crack."

Will, standing behind Sue in the same line, looks about nervously. "Sue, lower your voice. There are Arcadia students all around us."

"And you're concerned it will be a revelation to them that they blundered when they picked this school?"

"Sue, Arcadia College is this year's sing off host, and it has a reputation for being a fine school. It might make sense not to insult the people running things."

"Just like you, Will. Focusing on the little people when all that matters is impressing the judges." (Louder…) "Meanwhile, are we going to spend the rest of our lives in this line?"

An attractive young woman standing at the R to Z table finishes with an entrant, sighs and calls, "Next."

"About time! Sue Sylvester."

"Good morning Ms Sylvester, I'm Joan Girardi. Welcome to Arcadia College."

"Skip the chitchat Boney-Joanie and sign me in."

Joan forces a smile to her face and checks her list. "Yes, I see you here. Sue Sylvester from Lima Ohio, representing the University of…"

"Are you going to waste my entire day telling me things I already know?"

"Sorry. If you will sign here, I have your credentials. Let's see when you are scheduled… Huh, that's a coincidence. You're just like me."

Sue laughs. "In what bizzaro world is a small town nobody like you anything like Sue Sylvester?"

Joan begins to get red in the face. "I just meant you are an alternate like me – a last minute substitute. By the way, Arcadia is more than twice the size of Lima."

"Quality always trumps quantity, and from what I've seen of your 'Arcadia', quantity is all you've got."

"Actually, Arcadia is considered one of the most beautiful towns in Maryland. We have an amazing riverfront, people come from all over the region to view the lovely fall foliage, there's a thriving art colony and we have a nationally known jazz festival."

"And long winded college kids… Wait, you have to be a graduate to be in this competition, but you're volunteering like the rest of these college kids?"

"I graduated last spring, but now I'm attending the School of Law."

"Wow, the same school for post-grad? Way to spread your wings, Boney. You probably still live with mummy and daddy."

"It…saves on expenses."

Sue laughs. "Pathetic. Listen hometown girl, don't think you can use your local status to influence the outcome of the sing off."

"None of the judges are local."

"I've been a judge in lots of different contests, and I know crowd reaction sways votes. Not mine of course, I'm above that sort of thing. Most of the crowd will be locals, but I won't let you use that against me. If I have to, I'll cut you off at the knees."

Sue picks up her paperwork and walks off while Joan stares open-mouthed in shock. She mutters…

"What a horrible woman."

Will steps closer. "A lot of people say that about Sue."

Joan blushes and puts her fingertips to her mouth. "Sir, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that about your friend."

Will chuckles. "Sue Sylvester may be a lot of things, but my friend is not one of them. Hi, I'm Will Schuester, also from Lima Ohio – so please don't judge the town by Sue."

Joan smiles and nods. "Of course not. If you'll sign here Mr. Schuester, I have your credentials. Your performance time is inside."

"Thanks, and I'm Will."

"One of my favorite names, and I'm Joan."

They shake hands and as Will walks away Joan comments, "Nice man."

X X X X X

Later that afternoon in the Arcadia College auditorium, the college president addresses the large crowd…

"…and all proceeds from the competition go to the alumni scholarship fund of the winning college. Now, we are happy to have with us our three member panel of judges. From Harlaxton College, musical director Professor Sheila Fryman. From St. John's Cathedral, choir director Reverend Quentin Le Grand, and last year's competition winner, Mrs. Lola Mayhugh. After a brief musical interlude by the Arcadia College orchestra, we will begin the first round where singers may pick any favorite tune of their choosing. Of course tomorrow, the finalists will be singing Christmas songs in honor of the season. Please enjoy…"

Backstage, Joan Girardi paces while wringing her hands and breathing hard. Will recognizes a severe case of stage fright and sympathizes.

"Nervous?" Will asks.

"I may throw up."

"No, you won't. Once you step on that stage the fear will go away and your talent will kick in. Trust me, this is common."

Joan wipes a bead of sweat from her brow. "Or maybe I'll just faint."

"Joan, concentrate on all the other times you've performed and how well that went. You were okay then, right?"

"I've only been on stage a couple of times."

"Really? Then how did you end up representing your school?"

"God only knows."

"Excuse me?"

"Uh, I mean fate can throw you some unexpected curve balls. As an undergrad I took a lot of vocals classes for my electives because I like to sing so much. Singing in front of a small class where I knew everyone didn't bother me, but the thought of going on stage…" (Joan shudders.) I just couldn't, even though my professor kept encouraging me to perform."

"So again, how did you end up here?"

"A string of bad luck. The usual alternate got a new job and couldn't be here. My old professor asked me to fill in, and a 'friend' encouraged me to agree…" (Joan pauses as she recalls that it was Little Girl God who gave her this assignment.) "Then yesterday, the woman who was suppose to sing went into labor three weeks early."

"Leaving you no time to prepare. No wonder you're nervous. But, that's the life of an alternate. The man Sue replaced had a sudden allergic reaction to peanuts, affecting his throat."

"Huh, for someone who is also last minute, 'Sue' seems remarkably confident and prepared. The only thing I could think to sing was my one song from my old high school musical. At least this time I don't have to wear zombie make-up."

"Zombie?"

"Oh, it was called 'Zombies in Love' – an original and fairly disastrous production. I played the part of the Queen of the Zombies. I just hope I do better this time." (Footnote #1)

"If you're still nervous, you could use the old trick…"

"Of picturing people in their underwear? That would only make me blush more. I think I'll stick with staring at the lights and pretending the audience isn't there… Oh, they're starting."

A spotlight shines on the darkened stage and the college president is heard to announce…

"And now our first entrant, please welcome Sue Sylvester."

As the audience applauds Will comments, "Sue caught a lucky break getting the first slot. Judges are always easier on the first one out of the gate..."

Sue strides onto stage wearing a tuxedo and a fedora hat cocked at an angle. She smiles confidently.

"Thank you President Snyder. It is an honor to be here on the beautiful campus of Arcadia College. This is my first visit to this lovely community, and I only regret I arrived too late to enjoy the famously beautiful fall foliage the Arcadia area is so justly known for. I did get a chance to stroll along the amazingly restored riverfront and I must say - well done Arcadia! No wonder so many artists flock to this city to paint such beautiful scenery. I know this won't be my last trip here. Hopefully I'll be able to make it back for your nationally renown jazz festival. I look forward to it. And now, with your permission, a favorite theme song from an old but always popular movie..."

Backstage Joan mutters, "That hypocrite!"

Will adds, "But it worked. You can sense the mood of the audience shifting to Sue's favor."

The orchestra's horn section fills the auditorium with the opening notes of Sue's surprising selection: Goldfinger. Using a wireless mike, Sue is free to move about the stage and gesture to the song, and she has painted her index finger gold! Sue gives a strong, enthusiastic rendition of the song, striking dramatic Bond-like poses and using her gold finger to imitate a gun, and also to wag the finger when she comes to the line, "don't go in." To everyone's delighted surprise, monitors in the dark suddenly light up with images from the old movie, flashing exciting scenes of James Bond, the evil Goldfinger and the female lead, 'Pussy Galore'.

"Is she allowed to do that?" Joan whispers.

"I...guess, but I've never seen it done before." Will answers.

Despite Sue's limited singing skills, her showmanship wows the audience. They respond with loud, extended applause and cheers. Sue smiles, bows and blows a kiss before exiting the stage. Sue passes Will and Joan, and with a wink declares...

"Like I said Will, it's not just about raw talent."

"Wait for the scores, Sue."

Moments later, the judges' scores appear on the main viewing screen. The two women judges give Sue 6 points each - respectable, but not usually high enough to make the finals. Then Rev. LeGrand's score appears - a perfect 10! Sue scores a surprisingly high, 22.

Will looks amazed. "That's...extraordinary. You rarely see tens."

Sue smiles. "Maybe the good reverend is a James Bond fan? Good luck Will, you'll need it. See you at the party."

X X X X X

Early that evening, the day's competition has come to an end. The scores have been tallied and the seven finalists have been picked for tomorrow's show. Sue Sylvester leaves the auditorium, acknowledging frequent compliments with a smile, but inwardly she has doubts. She made it - barely. Tied for last amongst the seven finalists, sharing a spot with that sweaty kid Joan. Sue grabs a cab to head downtown to a reception for all of today's singers and the competition's organizers. Sue pauses a moment as she sees about 75 yards away Joan talking with a street vendor. Could that be...? Sue shakes her head no. It was impossible, but that street vendor sure looks like Principal Figgins... (Footnote #2).

Joan smiles as she recognizes Street Vendor God. "Now here's a version I haven't seen in a long while. As I recall, the last time we met you were selling over priced sunglasses."

Street Vendor God, looking and sounding like a man from the subcontinent, replies with a smile, "They weren't over priced for the brand. This evening I'm selling scarves, knit caps and mittens. Business is brisk."

"I can imagine because you have all of the various schools' logos on them. One might suspect, buying them from a street vendor, that these are not legally authorized use of those logos?"

"Joan, you're sounding like a lawyer already. Did you enjoy the competition?"

"You know I didn't. I'm actually surprised I did so well. You didn't pull any strings for me, did you?"

"Joan, you made it all on your own. You have a lovely voice, and I always enjoy hearing you sing."

"Then you can listen to me in the shower. Now that it's over, I'm relieved. That is until I have to do it again tomorrow. At least I got to hear some great singing. Wasn't Will Schuester amazing? I thought he had made a huge mistake when he chose, 'Ice, Ice Baby'. But he was the only one who got a standing ovation and an encore. The second time through the whole audience was singing along."

"Yes, Will is very talented. This would have been his year to win."

"Would have? I feel another assignment coming on."

"I want you to help Sue Sylvester to win."

For a few moments Joan stares open-mouthed, but then she laughs. "And people say God doesn't have a sense of humor."

"I'm serious Joan. I want Sue to win."

"That mean-spirited, horror of a woman? Why?"

"Joan, how often do I tell you why?"

"Yeah, yeah, Instrument of God 101, act in faith. But come on...this?"

"Don't you have a party to go to?"

"Okay, hear and obey time. Can I ask how I'm suppose to help that marginally talented woman to win?"

"You will see your opportunity. Hurry along Joan, don't be late."

Joan sighs and heads for the parking lot. She glances over her shoulder and sees Street Vendor God giving her their traditional backhanded wave.

X X X X X

The Hotel Wentworth is the finest in Arcadia, and not even Sue Sylvester has a complaint as she circulates around the large, boisterous cocktail party. There are various finger foods, dips and other canapes available, but Sue sticks with her glass of wine. She spots Will sitting at the bar sipping an Old-Fashioned.

"Hello Will, enjoying your victory?"

Will smiles, relishing this rare moment of total victory over Sue. "Just as I predicted Sue, you were dead last."

"And you were first, exactly as I planned it."

"Come on Sue, you expect me to believe that?"

"Believe what you want, but think about it Will. Today you gave the performance of a lifetime. You were so motivated to beat me, you gave it all you could. I, on the other hand, failed to bring my 'A' game. Do you know why?"

"Because that's all you got?" Will says with a smile.

"Truly, all of that hair goop must be seeping into your brain. You Will, raised the bar for yourself to impossible standards. Where else can you go from here but down? But I showed only a fraction of what I'm capable of. Tomorrow, when I pull out all of the stops, the judges will be awed by how I dug deep and came up with my performance of a lifetime. The comparison of my astounding improvement, especially compared to your decline, no matter how slight, will put me over the top."

As Sue confidently smiles, a small frown crosses Will's face. Maybe the alcohol is fogging his thinking, but Sue actually seems to be making sense. Has he made a tactical error? Will has never considered such thoughts at any other competition, but going up against Sue he is begining to see the need for strategy.

"Aww, what happened to your big smile, Will? Here, let me buy you another drink. I'll put it on my room tab. Of course when I win our bet tomorrow, you'll have to pay all of my bills."

As Sue signals for the bartender, Joan enters the room and notices the pair at the bar. Huh, she never thought she would see those two being so buddy/buddy. Joan grabs a glass of the non-alcohol wine and picks a corner where she can keep an eye on Sue...to help her? God, really, this isn't a joke?

Will says, "What song did you pick for tomorrow, Sue?"

"Santa Baby."

"A fun song, and I imagine you can do a lot with it. Your style will make it...a hit."

"Ouch. That must have hurt to admit. How about you, Will?"

"When Christ Was Born."

"Tough song, very demanding. The service in this place...hey bartender!"

As Sue makes one of her usual scenes, Will takes out his cell phone and sends a quick text to the competition's program director. You're not the only one who can have strategies, Sue...

Across the room, Joan's watches as Sue finally gets the Old-Fashioned she ordered. Joan can barely believe her eyes as she clearly sees Sue slip a few drops of some liquid from a tiny vial into the drink. With a grin on her face, Sue hands the drink to Will. Joan hesitates, wondering what to do. She likes Will Schuester and admires his talent. It was only fair that he should win this sing off, but her assignment is to help Sue. Apparently the 'horrible woman' has a scheme of her own to get rid of her main competition. Surely she wouldn't harm Will over a singing contest, but Joan has no doubt whatever is in that drink will knock Will out of tomorrow's competition. Joan watches as Will raises the glass to his lips...

To Be Continued. Please review.

Footnote #1, Joan Girardi's Zombies in Love song is available on You Tube.

Footnote #2, Iqbal Theba (Principal Figgins) also played Street Vendor God on Joan of Arcadia.


	2. Chapter 2

GLEE TWO

Joan Girardi rushes across the crowded bar, bumping into people and getting a lot of dirty looks. Too late, Joan sees Will setting his drink glass back on the bar – at least a quarter of the drugged booze gone. 'Hey, even I know not to chug mixed drinks. I am so going to be in trouble with God over this.'

"Will! Hey Willll… You the man." Joan says, doing her best to imitate a drunken slur.

"Joan?"

Joan 'stumbles' and falls over the bar, knocking over Will's drink.

"Whoops!"

"Joan, are you okay?" Will asks with concern.

"Yeah…I'm just feeling a little woozy. Too…too much stress. Had to…unwind."

Sue sneers, "College brats, they never can hold their liquor."

"Let me take you home." Will offers.

Joan gives a panicked expression. "Oh no, please, no. I can't let my parents see me like this…not again. It would break their hearts."

"Again?"

"Uh…yeah, I had a drinking problem awhile back. If my folks saw me like this…" Joan says, her eyes glistening.

Will nods, feeling sad that Joan has gotten in this condition over the stress from a stupid singing contest.

"Sue, she needs a place to lay down for a bit. You have a suite…"

"Oh boo-hoo Will, I don't take in strays. If you want to shepherd Little Bo Boozer, use your own room."

"Mine?" Will asks, a variety of concerns on his face.

Joan begins to sway back and forth. "Dizzy…"

Will puts an arm around Joan, supporting her. "Sue, I'm taking Joan to my room just to let her sleep it off. Nothing else. Can you please be discrete for once?"

"Afraid you can't control yourself with a drunk college girl in your room? Okay…don't give me that look. Of course I'll be discrete. When am I ever not?" Sue says as she snaps a photo with her phone as Will half carries Joan toward the elevator.

As they ride up together to one of the highest floors, Joan begins to feel guilty about her deception, but she knows it is for Will's sake. He is such a nice guy, and she couldn't risk him subcuming to the effects of whatever he has been drugged with in front of the competition's organizers. These singing competitions are a small world of their own, and one brief scandal could damage Will's reputation for good. It didn't matter about her own reputation as Joan has no intentions of ever entering another sing off. Joan had to also refrain from accusing Sue of what she did for the same reason. A scandal at this point would get Sue kicked out of the competition, and Joan is still mindful of her difficult-to-understand assignment from God. Joan just hopes that by interfering with Sue's devious plan, she hasn't already blown that assignment.

The elevator doors open and Will tries to help Joan out, but he staggers. Quickly, Joan stops being 'drunk' and switches to helping Will.

"Hey…what's happening?"

"Easy Will, I've got you." Joan says as she takes the key card from Will's hand and begins helping him toward the room.

"I feel so…strange, almost like I was drunk. But…I had less than two drinks. Can you catch being drunk?" Will asks with a snicker.

Will is slender and Joan is surprisingly strong, but each step down the hallway becomes more difficult as Will begins to lose control of his legs. By the time Joan gets the hotel room door open, she has to drag Will inside. Joan barely manages to get Will to the bed before he collapses on it.

"Joan…my head is spinning, and everything is a little blurry. How did I get so drunk?"

Joan knows she can't tell the truth now, but oh how she would like to reveal what Sue has done. "Just relax, Will. Maybe the drinks were a little stronger mixed than you're use to. Maybe today's stress added to that. You were great by the way. Sue may have gotten a 10, but you got two tens from those lady judges. You were easily the best."

Will shakes his head. "I peaked too soon. I'll never live up to that tomorrow. That's what Sue says."

"Sue? What does she know about singing?"

Will shakes his head, but stops when it makes him more dizzy. "No, she's right. I thought it was all about raw talent, but it's also about showmanship, and Sue is a master at it. Don't…repeat that."

"Your secret is safe with me. Besides, you had plenty of showmanship today. The only encore, and everyone was singing along the second time, including me. Don't let Sue psych you out." Joan says, feeling guilty about giving such advice to a man she is suppose to make sure loses.

"No…Sue has some good ideas. Tomorrow, she's singing 'Santa Baby' – just the sort of campy song she will be great with. She'll have the audience eating out of her hand. But…I'm going to fool her. I'm going even campier than her. I changed my song."

"Will, what did you do?"

Will laughs. "I got sneaky. I texted the program director, telling him to switch my song to 'Six White Boomers'. Ha! Let's see Sue out cute me with that."

"Never heard of it."

Will's eyes start to close, but Joan feels she is on to something important.

"Will! Six White Boomers – what's that?"

Will gives a goofy grin. "A novelty song from Australia. It's summer there during Christmas, so Santa uses Boom…Boomers."

"What's a Boomer?"

"Fully grown male kangaroo. It's too hot for reindeer, you see? So, Santa Baby…no, Santa Claus switches to the Boomers. It's a really…funny…song. I feel sick."

Instantly, Joan grabs the wastebasket (thankfully it isn't wicker) and slips it under Will's chin. College life teaches you some interesting life skills. Will upchucks a little bit, but soon stops. Joan pauses to make sure it is safe, and then takes the wastebasket to the bathroom. Down the toilet with the vomit, a quick rinse of the wastebasket, and then a damp cloth for Will's forehead. Joan is about to exit the bathroom when she gets a glimpse of herself in the mirror…

Reflection God. This is always the most difficult version for Joan to deal with. Her own mirror image and voice (with a weird echo chamber effect) communicating with her. Joan briefly closes her eyes as it is a disorienting experience…

"Are you here to chastize me for stopping Sue's plan to ruin Will?"

"Not at all, Joan. I told you to help Sue win, not to help her hurt others. She is already too skilled at that."

"She does this sort of thing a lot?"

"Sadly, yes. Sue bribed a clerk at her old college to put her name at the top of the alternate's list. She also slipped peanuts into the food of the man who was suppose to sing here so she could take his place after his allergic reaction. Sue is also blackmailing one of the judges…"

"Reverend LeGrand! That's why he gave Sue a ten and everyone else low scores. And this is the woman you want to win?"

"Yes."

Joan stares at Reflection God (her own image) and fumes. She hates this. She wants to know why so badly, she can taste it. But Joan knows she isn't suppose to ask why. It has to be about faith.

"So, if I'm not helping Sue with her own schemes, how am I going to help her win?"

"You already know how, Joan."

Joan sighs. "Yeah, but it's so sneaky."

"Our entire secret relationship is a bit…'sneaky'."

"Okay, I'll do it, but I don't like it."

"Neither do I, but I have my own rules and even I obey them. I'm sorry for the distress this causes you Joan, but trust, there are some good ripples in the outcome."

Joan nods and leaves the bathroom, her reflection giving a backhand wave before the mirror goes back to normal. Joan knows God's major rules include free will and honoring faith. That is why she has to work for God of her own free will and do so in faith that somehow this will all make sense in the end, even if she never gets to see the result. (Sometimes, this blows...) Will is sitting on the edge of the bed holding his head and softly moaning.

"Let me help you." Joan says as she helps Will off with his jacket, removes his shoes and gets him to rest his head on the pillow. "Here's the wastebasket, hold onto it like your new best friend. And a damp cloth for your head."

Joan turns off the bedside lamp as Will murmurs, "Thank you."

(Joan leans closer to hear Will's faint words.)

"You're so beautiful…"

"Uh, thanks for the compliment."

"I want to sleep with you."

"Oh…not so complimentary."

Will reaches for Joan's breasts, but college trained reflexes kick in and she jumps back. "Hey, don't do that!"

"But… I want you so much, Emma…"

"Emma? Who's Emma?"

But Will is now sound asleep. Joan sighs over Will's condition, and realizes he didn't even know it was her when he tried to get grabby. Joan thinks about leaving, but Will may need more help through the night and in getting started in the morning. Besides, she has an unpleasant task to perform.

Joan searches through Will's jacket and finds his phone. It doesn't take long to obtain the last number he sent a message to. Joan composes a brief text: 'Disregard last message. Sorry, I panicked. Restore original song choice. Last change, I promise.'

With a feeling of overwhelming guilt, Joan presses send.

X X X X X

12-20-09/Sunday morning.

"Two continental breakfasts and a small bottle of aspirin. Please sign here."

Joan signs Will's name to the room service tab.

"Thank you...Mrs. Schuester?"

Joan shakes her head. "Mr. Schuester is indisposed."

The waiter looks over Joan's shoulder and sees Will sleeping - still clutching the wastebasket. Well trained, the water's expression does not change... "Have a good day, Miss."

Joan closes the door and carries the tray to the room's table. Joan hates to interrupt Will's sleep, but as the winner of yesterday's preliminary round, he goes on first today.

"Will? Time to rise and do your best to shine."

Will slowly opens his eyes, and for a few moments he seems confused. "Joan...?"

"How do you feel?"

"Headache, queasy stomach, dry mouth... It's morning?"

"Late morning."

"We...spent the night together?"

"Memory fuzzy? Don't worry, I slept in the chair."

Will notices the wastebasket. "Was I much bother?"

"I've handled worse. Can I interest you in coffee and aspirins?"

"Oh, God yes."

Joan pours a cup and Will drinks it down as fast as the heat will allow, along with three aspirins. A second cup follows more slowly.

"Feeling better?"

"A little. Joan, what happened to me? I remember bringing you up here because...you were drunk?"

"Sorry about that. I faked it." (Joan smiles.) "It's a skill women have."

Will smiles back before asking, "Why?"

"I thought I saw Sue put something in your drink. Before I could get there, you had already swallowed some of it."

"Sue did that!" Will shouts and then holds his head. "Ow... Joan, why didn't you say something?"

"I had to get you out of there before the drug kicked in. There was no way to know how it would affect you, but it was a good bet it would be scandalously embarassing."

Will nods. "You're probably right. That was fast thinking on your part."

"I'm not just a pretty face. And...this is the part where you say: 'A very pretty face'."

Will grins. "A very pretty face."

"Aww, you say the nicest things."

"We have to report Sue."

Joan frowns. "That might not be such a good idea."

"We can't let her get away with this."

"Hey, I sympathize. Sue Sylvester has rapidly climbed the list of people I wish I had never met, but think it through. What proof do we have? My word against hers. Who will believe a claim, from a fellow competitor, that from across a crowded bar I saw Sue slip a couple of drops of a clear liquid into your drink?"

"There's my reaction."

"Sue will just say you were drunk. Can we prove otherwise?"

"I could get my blood tested."

"The drug is probably out of your system by now, and Will, even if a trace could be found, do you really want to cause a major scandal over a silly prank?"

"Prank?"

"Will, you got slipped a mickey over a stupid singing contest. It's outrageous, but no one will appreciate you making a federal case out of this. If we go to the competition's organizers with an I-accuse/I-deny mess, they will probably react by throwing all three of us out of the contest. There will be a huge scandal concerning a group that annually raises money for scholarships! End result? All three of us will be blackballed from any future competitions. Between Sue, me and you, who does that hurt the most?"

Will sighs heavily. "Me. I can see you're going to make a great lawyer. Damn, I hate that Sue wins."

"The solution to that is to kick her ass in the sing-off." Joan says, almost wincing from her hypocrisy.

Will smiles. "That thought makes me feel a lot better."

X X X X X

While Will grabbed a quick shower and changed, Joan ate both breakfasts since Will couldn't face his and Joan missed eating at the party last night. At a rush, the pair exits the hotel room only to encounter Sue Sylvester filming them with her phone...

"My, my how shocking. High school teacher seduces drunken college girl. I know a certain McKinley High guidance counselor who will be somewhat dismayed by this little video. Should I give it to her personally, or just post it on the school's website?"

Will thinks of Emma's reaction to seeing this and he becomes enraged. His fists closing, Will advances on Sue...

"Give me that phone!"

"No." Sue says as she slips the phone into her pocket.

"Sue, I'm warning you."

"What are you going to do Will, beat me up and take it?"

The temptation is strong, but even as Sue smirks at him, Will's fists unclench. No matter what the provocation, he isn't the type of man who can hit a woman. Not even Sue.

"I didn't think so." Sue sneers.

Sue turns and heads for the elevator, and a dejected Will follows. Joan is livid and would gladly attack Sue herself - after all, she has her own boyfriend to think of, but she also has this now hated assignment. The trio boards the elevator and Joan makes sure she is standing between Will and Sue.

Her senior year of high school, as part of an assignment, Joan saved the life of a retired pickpocket called 'Artie the Dip'. Grateful, Artie taught Joan all he knew about picking pockets. (Footnote) By the time the elevator reaches the ground floor, Joan has slipped Sue's phone back into her pocket - every scrap of information deleted from it. Joan smiles as they exit.

X X X X X

Sadly, Joan had nothing else to smile about the rest of the day. The singing competition was disastrous for everyone but Sue. The other four finalists, as well as several others from the party the night before, were complaining of headaches and queasy stomachs. Sue convincingly imitated those symptoms and everyone but Will and Joan accepted her suggestion of 'food poisioning'.

Will was the first up, and he was visibly startled when the orchestra failed to play 'Six White Boomers'. The orchestra started again and Will did his best to sing 'When Christ Was Born'. Major point deductions for missing his original cue. Joan nearly wept when she saw Will's score. The other four finalists did their best, but their performances clearly suffered due to their ill health. As for Joan, she deliberately tanked her performance, and the only good thing to come from that was the lack of any stage fright. Being deliberately bad was apparently liberating. (Maybe that was the secret to Sue's confidence?)

As Will predicted, Sue's performance of 'Santa Baby' was cute and campy. The simple song suited Sue's limited range, and she pulled out all the stops on her bag of showmanship tricks. The audience loved it and gave her a standing ovation. It was clearly the best performance of the day, and the judges had no choice but to award Sue the winning trophy. As God wanted, Sue Sylvester won.

X X X X X

Early that evening, Will Schuester slowly trudges into his apartment building carrying his suitcase and feeling terrible. Physically he is fully restored, but he is weary in his spirit - especially after another small plane ride back to Ohio with Sue. God, how that woman can gloat! Will's only high point was welching on their bet...

"There's no way I'm paying off to a woman who drugged me!"

"Whatever do you mean, Will?" Sue asks with obvious insincerity.

"Not to mention switching my song selection at the last minute."

Sue looks briefly confused. "Now you're babbling, Will. You sang the song you told me you were going to sing. You're just being petty because I once again proved that I'm better than you at everything."

"I'm still not paying."

"Like I care."

Will reaches his door, so glad this day is over. He enters and suddenly the lights snap on...

"SURPRISE!"

Beneath a WELCOME HOME banner is the entire glee club, and on the table is a large sheet cake that reads: #1. With Rachel leading, the group breaks into a modified rendition of a song, singing "You are the wind beneath 'our' wings". As the song ends, Will applauds...

"Wow guys, this is an amazing homecoming. I won't ask how you got in here...Puck?"

"You wound me Mr. Schue, and you really shouldn't keep a key under the mat."

Will smiles at his group, touched by their support. "Thanks everyone, I needed this boost but...I'm not number one. I lost."

Kurt responds, "Mr. Schue, we know about that. We're here to let you know you are still number one with us."

Finn adds, "That contest was bogus. You were robbed Mr. Schue."

The entire group adds their agreement.

"Thanks, but today...Sue had the best performance."

Mercedes asks, "But was it on the up and up?"

"No comment." Will says as he begins to feel like the real winner. Let Sue keep her gaudy trophy that she had to cheat to get. These young lives that he has the priviledge of guiding are his true trophies. "Who wants cake?"

X X X X X

12-25-09/Christmas day.

In an adult care facility on the edge of Lima, Sue Sylvester sits side by side with her older sister, Jean. It has been a joyous Christmas day, but it always is with Jean, who has never stopped seeing the holiday through a kid's eyes - and that has nothing to do with her Down's syndrome. Today Sue's smiles and laughter are free of malice. Jean's joy is infectious.

"It's beautiful, Sue." Jean says as her fingers lovingly touch the huge sing-off trophy.

Sue knows most people would consider the trophy gaudy, but seen through Jean's eyes, it is beautiful.

"You really like it?"

"Yes. And it's mine to keep?"

"To keep. After all, it's the only present you asked for. Although, I'm not sure why you wanted a singing trophy for Christmas."

Jean smiles. "I was thinking of the old days...when we were kids. I like thinking about those times. I remember your very first trophy."

"My first...? Refresh my memory."

"You won a singing trophy when you were six."

Sue smiles. "Oh yeah, at that little church around the corner. They had a talent contest for all of the kids in the neighborhood. I came in first. The start of a lifelong trend."

Jean nods. "Back then you were always singing and happy. Over time...that changed. I miss that. But whenever I would hold that first trophy, it would remind me of those days."

"Is that old trophy one of things that got lost during the move to here?"

"Yes. I missed it so much. Then I saw on the news about the...the..."

"Sing-off."

"Yes. I saw the trophy and it was big and pretty. I wanted you to win it like when we were kids. Thank you, Sue."

"And now it's yours, but I got to tell you kiddo, it was a close thing. I wasn't sure I was going to win."

Jean smiles. "I knew you would win, because I prayed for you really, really hard."

"You did? That was nice of you."

Jean giggles. "I am nice."

"Yes you are." Sue says, matching Jean's big smile.

Although she is a staunch atheist, Sue has never challenged Jean's childlike faith in a kind and loving God. It makes Jean happy, and since it seems to do her no harm, Sue leaves it alone. There is nothing more important to her than her sister's happiness. Besides, Sue doubts she could ever talk Jean out of her beliefs. Jean has a habit of praying for simple 'blessings' and seeing them happen. Of course this is just an annoying statistical coincidence. Still, in Jean's presence, you could almost believe it was something...more. Almost.

"Sue, can we watch it again?"

"Again? We've watched it four times."

"Please?"

"Okay, one more time."

Jean claps excitedly as Sue uses the remote and the DVD player begins to show her award winning performance of, 'Santa Baby'.

THE END

(Footnote: The reference to 'Artie the Dip' is not from the TV show but refers to another Joan of Arcadia story of mine.)

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